journey

truth.

2011-02-21T10:44:00.000-08:00

Polonius says in William Shakespeare's Hamlet:

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.
Farewell, my blessing season this in thee!

Though I recognize the meaning of this statement in context means that we should take care of ourselves that way we will be in a better position of taking care of others, I choose to take this statement in a New Age context. I choose to view this statement as essentially denoting the fact that we should understand ourselves and we should know ourselves.

I've discovered in my own life that I have perhaps not been true to myself. I have allowed outside influences to make my decisions for me. I've allowed others to tell me who I am and what I want. I've determined that I listen to others more than I listen to my own soul. I have a lack of self-confidence in that I feel I am inadequate to make decisions for myself. I find myself continually seeking approval from others and valuing their opinion more highly than my own.

While I recognize I prefaced this posting by commenting that I wasn't necessarily taking this statement written so adeptly by The Bard in its original context, I suggest that perhaps there is a connection. How am I in a position to help others when I can't even help myself and make up my own mind.

I have some work to do and a long way to go. Trials of life come and suddenly you lose your footing and the solid ground in which you once stood gives way and you find yourself in a place completely unfamiliar and new. When this happens, confidence is shaken and self-esteem is diminished. The unfortunate result for me is that I then have a difficult time trusting my own judgment and I rely increasingly on others for their sound judgment and decision-making skills. There is a seriously grave error in this. No one else knows and understands my life and my situations but me and there is no reason why anyone should make decisions that they deem are best when they know so little about what is affecting me.

Therefore, I must listen to my self more and others less. I recognize that others will absolutely have an influence in my life but I am my own primary decision-maker. I must trust my own judgment, logic and emotion to guide my properly. I must be true to myself and know myself at all times. This revelation, however trifling it may seem to others, is quite grand to me. I am driven, I am committed and goal-oriented and now I must rely on myself to reach these goals. There is no turning back. There is no doubt. There is no second-thought. There is only the willpower and the courage to drive through life with a goal in mind and an end in sight.
Listen to your soul; follow your heart and you can't go wrong.

resolution 2011

2011-01-02T16:51:00.000-08:00

I'm so glad to say goodbye to 2010. I had high hopes, dreams and aspirations for last year. It started out with a bang and kept getting better and better but somewhere along the way, it all came down. These past couple months have been an absolute disaster. I'm not looking for pity, I'm not looking for sympathy. All I'm doing is stating the absolute fact.
I don't really know how a day can make such a difference. I don't know what changes in our psyche from December 31 to January 1 or from one year to the next but something out the freshness of a new year brings hopes for change. Each year people resolve to lose weight or to exercise more or to quit smoking or to eat better but how many of those resolutions last past May? I'm looking to make a change and I'm looking to hold onto that change.
This year, I'm resolving to make better decisions. It may sound completely petty, but, to me, it's something that I know needs improvement and it's where I know I've got to make a change. I can look back and trace the outcomes of this past year to poor decision making on my part. I thought I knew what I was doing. I thought I knew where I was going but then I found myself in places and situations where all the rules are changed and all bets are off.
I allowed people to get too close to me who weren't looking out for anyone's well-being but their own. I found myself pleading to hold on to the comfortable when what was comfortable was absolutely not what was best. I discovered that so few people are truly the person they present themselves to be. I now have a hard time trusting anyone since I never know how truthful they are being. I allowed people to affect my life in ways that were completely short-sighted and ignorant. When I look at where I've landed, I discover more and more that it is directly related to poor decision-making on my part and I will no longer allow myself to be a victim of my own poor judgment. I've gotten myself into situations where I should have known better, where I allowed myself to go against my conscience and act selfishly.
I suppose some good has come out of this though. I've grown. I'm no longer the person who simply sits back quietly while others treat me unfairly. I'm not longer the person who simply bites his tongue and takes verbal, mental or emotional beatings. I speak out against injustice and unfair treatment. It's yet to be determined whether these decisions are for the better or not but I'm hopeful that it's a start on this new year.
There are people who I have lost as friends this year- those who I dropped willingly, won't be able to read this anyway. To those I lost unwillingly, I encourage you to reach out again. If I've hurt you, I apologize and I ask for another chance. If I've let you down, please don't give up on me yet. If I treated you poorly, I ask for you to recognize I didn't do it purposefully. To those who are still around, thanks. I couldn't have done it without you.
It's a new year and I'm ready to make a fresh start. I'm ready to put this disastrous year behind me and look to the future. Here's to 2011 and all the excitement and improvements it should bring.

resolution.

2010-01-10T21:05:00.000-08:00

I know it's late but I've really been debating and thinking about this year's resolution. I feel this year is going to be a very eventful one for me but this past year provided me with so many things that I wanted to change and fix that is was challenging to really find something that spanned such a wide array of changes that needed to be made.
This past year was one of immense challenges. This past year was one of high highs and low lows. I experienced personal victories and triumphs. My family also experienced difficult times and faced new challenges. We stuck together and grew closer through it all. I learned more about myself and I'm not the same person I was a year ago.
I also experienced the wonderful birth of my niece. That was such a wonderful birthday gift and a true blessing to our family. She is a perfect angel sent from heaven to warm our hearts and make us smile and I love that baby more and more each day. This year, I also graduated from college. This was a huge personal triumph for me and an accomplishment of which I am very proud.
I had a wonderful experience student teaching. I met some wonderful teachers and some wonderful students. I learned lessons that will last a lifetime. Sometimes I succeeded and sometimes I failed. This was one of the most terrifying yet rewarding experiences of my life.
I suppose last year's resolution was a bit premature and far-reaching. I have not quite accomplished those goals. I still don't know where I'm going or what I'll be doing. I finished college but I am hardly farther along in my post-college plans than I was one year ago. I'm working my hardest to find jobs and to make plans. I have no idea where I'll be in a year or what I'll be doing. Part of it scares me but part of it excites me because of the thrill of an unknown adventure.

This year's resolution is "find your way." I'm standing at a point in my life where I have many different directions I could go. I have many different paths from which to choose and at some point or another I will have to choose a path or one will be chosen for me based on what opportunities present themselves.
I have many different decisions to make that I will be forced to make. This year I have no option but to move forward- non-progress is not an option. I have high hopes, dreams and expectations for this year. I don't know what's out there for me but I certainly can tell that good things are coming my way.

graduation.

2009-12-24T22:10:00.000-08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i19EaElFH-8

risks.

2009-12-11T19:40:00.000-08:00

It's been said, the greater the risk the greater the reward. It's also been said, the greater the risk that greater the chance for failure.
I've never been one to really stick my neck out and take risks- I prefer to play it safe. As much as I like spontaneity I also like predictability. I like to know exactly what I'm doing and I like to know the outcome before I even begin. I become uneasy and nervous when I step out blindly and don't consider and debate and speculate as to everything that could happen and the possible outcome and repercussions of my actions. I'm a planner and I plan for the future in everything I do. This has led to a life of predictability and simplicity. I always play on the safe side. I rarely venture out of safe places and really take a chance.
Sometimes we take risks and we fail miserably but sometimes we take risks and we receive a great reward for it in the end. If we never venture out of the sandbox, we will never know what lies out there for us in the great, big world around us. We must explore and discover. I've determined it's better to live life on the edge sometimes and try new things, go new places, experience new ideas. There's something to be said for predictability, patterns and routines but eventually these get old and we tire of them. Sometimes we've got to try something new and put ourselves out there. We must be willing to fail and to accept defeat.
It's time to put on my big boy undies and step out into the unknown in life. Welcome to an adventure.

reaching.

2009-10-31T21:21:00.000-07:00

I've had a hard time deciding how to start this out or what to say. There's entirely too much to say and too many ways to say it. I'm finding it a challenge to accurately articulate my feelings and emotions. I don't know how well this will turn out but it's always worth a try. It would be an accomplishment to actually complete writing this and then publish it. Here's my best try.
As I grow older, I find life does not get any easier. Our decisions come to carry more weight and have more of an impact on the entire course of the rest of our lives. Unfortunately, I'm not always very discerning when I make my decisions and I make them too quickly. Sometimes I wonder what would happen if I could turn back time. Would I do things differently? How would life change? Where would these changes leave me now? I suppose I'll never know.
Ultimately, I'm looking for a whole lot of change. I've grown too complacent and it has caused me to do things I wouldn't otherwise do. I need new influences, experiences, places, people. Change is coming soon though but not soon enough. I'm ready for a new adventure. I'm anxious to see what life has in store for me and to see where I will go and what I will do and who I will become.
As I stand here on my 23rd birthday, I feel nostalgic but also discontent with the roads I've taken. I'm determined to make better decisions and to live beyond myself. I know I can't do this alone.
This is simply the next step in my journey- traveling companions are always welcome.

effort.

2009-07-31T19:40:00.000-07:00

Video Blog!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-u7ae48jVQM

relationships.

2009-05-21T21:48:00.000-07:00

Video Blog Style!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ofRnJp1pzJE

video blog?!

2009-05-14T23:09:00.000-07:00

oh, yes i did! check it out!

to my future mate

2009-04-28T20:39:00.000-07:00

I promise. . .
. . . to do my best
. . . to give all I can
. . . to love you with my whole heart
. . . to make you proud
. . . to be willing to compromise
. . . to listen
. . . to fight for you
. . . to stand by your side
. . . to support you
. . . to care about your needs
. . . to assist you
. . . to find ways to brighten your day
. . . to model true love
. . . to be honest and open
. . . to compromise
. . . to seek out your opinion
. . . to commit to you only
. . . to accept regardless
. . . to be there through everything

i have an idea

2009-04-15T12:43:00.000-07:00

How about let's start blogging. Sound good? Yes!
Scapin is almost over so now my life will start getting back to normal. This semester is almost over too which has been long awaited and can't come soon enough! Luckily, I've finished my pre-student teaching so I don't have that to worry about anymore. This semester has been a pain- partly because I have senioritis and partly because most of my classes are awful.
I'm counting down days to graduation (247). As my time in college comes to a close, I find myself actually dreading that day. I've made some fantastic friends and we've done some crazy things together and I'll miss those things. I'm also faced with the fact that I'll have to grow up and start fending for myself. More about that later- around graduation time.
In other news... my sister is pregnant and I'm going to be an uncle. The tentative due date is October 28. I'm so excited!

update.

2009-03-05T21:06:00.000-08:00

I suppose an update on my life would be nice. Especially seeing as I haven't updated this thing in a very long time and for that, I apologize.
I am up to my knees in school work. Between Scapin, my Oral Communications Senior Seminar, Pre-Student Teaching and classes, my sanity and sleep is slipping away quickly.
Spring Break starts tomorrow! I'm so excited to be going to Baton Rouge, LA and Eustace, TX with some of my most favorite people. I'm really looking forward to getting closer to these people and making memories that will last a lifetime.
Aimee graduates in May and this makes me happy yet sad. I'm happy that she'll be graduating college and entering the professional world but yet very sad that she won't be as easily accessible to me anymore. I'm also afraid that we might both move to different cities and won't see each other hardly at all and this is never a good thing.
I've also decided that I probably want to move to Atlanta post-graduation. I'll be going to graduate school sometime soon after that but when and where have yet to be established.

I've been making some much needed changes in my life. I've really gotten to the point where I'm going to stick up for myself regardless of what others think. I've really decided the people whose influence I want around me and pulled them closer. I know who I want to be in life and I am actively working to get myself to a place where I am content. I really can't complain much about how things are turning out in my life, because, in all honesty, things are turning out fairly well. For the first time in a long time, I'm not afraid of the future. I embrace my past but look excitedly to the future where I know good things are in store for me. I'm still on my journey and I very much like the companions I have with me.
I've learned a lot from my past and have taken those lesson with me. I've realized that my friends know a lot more than I give them credit for and so I should listen to them more often. I've realized some of the hang ups and problems I have had with friendships and relationships in the past and I now know better what not to do.
I have also realized that some people I know do not learn from past mistakes and continue to shoot themselves in the foot and go nowhere quickly. I find it foolish that some people continue to do the same things over and over even when they realize it doesn't work. It reminds of a quote "if you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always gotten." Some people do the same things and expect to get different results and seem surprised when things don't turn out differently. This is foolishness; complete and utter foolishness.
I've realized that different results require a different process and a different process requires different decisions and approaches. I'm also someone who has faith in his friends and trusts them because they have proven themselves to be right over and over again when I have been wrong.
I must say, I am pleased with life and with the person I'm turning out to be.

happiness.

2009-02-07T18:31:00.001-08:00

I've found it.
I've not found it in other people. I haven't found it in material things. I haven't found it in my own accomplishments. I've found it within myself.
I've realized that I don't need someone else to complete me. I've done that before and I've felt that way before. True happiness should be found within and not from others. I used to think that I need to be with someone to make me happy and this did me a gross injustice because when I wasn't with someone, I felt inadequate and as if I was missing something.
I now know that happiness is found from realizing and embracing yourself as a person. I've got great friends, a good head on my shoulders and a large amount of potential. I am a child of God and that in and of itself makes me a loved person. I'm going to great things one day and for once, I have have confidence in that fact.
I've realized that others will always let you down. Relying on others to do things for you and to fill some large need in your life is doing yourself a gross injustice. I have fantastic friends who I love and make me very happy. They help me but they aren't as crucial to my well-being as they used to be. The may make me a happy person but they aren't what really creates true happiness. I've been looking up, laughing and smiling a lot more lately. I finally have people in my life who love me for who I am and I finally understand where true happiness comes from and what it feels like.

resolution.

2009-01-01T00:05:00.000-08:00

Another year. Another resolution.
I suppose before I introduce my resolution, I should recap the progress towards last year's goal: "Free to Be." I had promised to start being myself and not being afraid of what others think of me. I'm afraid that goal is fairly difficult to reach as everyone is always concerned about what others think of them and I, of course, am no different. Unfortunately, for about half of the year I was overly concerned about what others felt about me but this last month or so I have really begun to come out of that and feel comfortable in my own skin and bring myself back to who I truly am and desire to be in life. Just because a new year and new resolution has come, doesn't mean that I will stop working on the past year's resolution. I will continue to work on it but this new one will have a majority of my focus.
Anyway, on to this year.
I decided that this year's resolution is "Chart Your Course." I chose this because this will be one of the most eventful years of my life. This time next year, I will be a college graduate. This year holds the promise of finally getting into the "real world." This is simply one area in which I will chart my course. I will have to decide what to do after college. I will have to make important decisions regarding schooling and career. I will have to find ways to keep the flames of friendship strong as many of my friends are graduating as well. I will have to make decisions that will have impacts on me for the rest of my life and I hope to make the right ones and the ones that will not only me but also others.
This past year definitely didn't turn out as expected. I suppose I expected something great out of it but in the end, I was left with nothing upon which to rest my high hopes. This was one of the toughest years of my life. I had personal issues become public and threaten my very security and livelihood. I experienced the death of someone very close to me who I loved dearly and miss more and more each day. I had to deal with the person I loved letting me down and breaking me in ways never before experienced. I had to overcome the overwhelming negativity that plagued everything in my life. This past year had me fighting with those I love more than I ever care to fight with anyone. This was a tough year. I'm not going to be immature and blame it all on other people because I know a lot of the blame falls right on my shoulders.
I had charted a course for my life which was getting me somewhere but no where good anytime soon. I had charted a course that would lead to poor decision making, rushed conclusions, mistakes and desperation. I realize that I've got to make better decisions that will improve my life and the lives of others.
This will be a year of healing the wounds I opened up by being irresponsible. I know that this year I've got to be more responsible and smarter. I've got to own when I was wrong. I've got to admit my faults. I've got to look past the now and look to the future. I've got to look not only at myself but also at those around me. Naturally, charting a course to a brighter future will require me to kick some habits that have become such close friends to me. I have no doubt that this will be another difficult year but I can only hope the decision I make and things I do will only go toward making subsequent years better. I'm still standing at a crossroads questioning where to go. This year I will stop staring and questioning and I will decide. I will be assertive and make a decision as to which road to follow. I will chart my course through life and pray everyday that I'm making the best decisions.
Here's to 2009.

rights.

2008-12-02T13:50:00.000-08:00

It is not ok that not everyone receives equal rights. It hurts me to see people deprived of basic rights and deprived of their happiness. It's all done under a pleasant disguise of protection. People are trying to protect the sanctity of marriage by not allowing gays to marry; they're trying to protect children by not allowing gays to adopt. First, I think straight marriages have done plenty to destroy the sanctity of marriage- if you want to protect that, then perhaps disvorce should be banned instead. Second, several organizations including the National Adoption Center, the American Medical Association, the American Psychological Association and the American Academy of Pediatrics have said that having gay parents does not negatively affect children.
On adoption. There are thousands of kids out there who just want a loving home, loving parents and a comfortabe life. How is it fair for the children who simply want to be put in a loving household to be deprived of that priveledge simply because the parents who want to take them are gay? We've seen numerous cases of traditonal couples abusing their adopted children. So, why are we still letting these couples adopt when we won't let perfectly normal and loving people adopt?
On marriage. I understand the concern with using the word "marriage" to define a gay union and that's not where the problem lies. The problem is not in the wording but in the idea behind the words. By banning gay marriage, loving and devoted couples are not able to have the same rights that any other couple would be afforded. I know of plenty of couples who do not love each other who are married. I know of plenty of couples who are married simply for tax benefits yet we would consider each of these a traditional marriage. How is it fair to allow them these rights and priveledges when they have no desire to be married to each other when there are many gay couples who truly love each other but are denied even basic rights afforded to traditional couples? You can keep the word but give the rights.
It makes me sick to find people who are so terrified of anyone different than themselves that the basic rights that they take foregranted are denied to others. We would find it a gross injustice to deny rights to African-Americans or women today. Just as that should bother us so it should bother us that gays don't receive the rights they deserve. I don't think allowing marriage and adoption rights to gay is doing anyone any favors. Traditional couples have screwed up and marred both of those things enough without anyone else's help. Sure, there are plenty of happily married couples who love each other for all the right reasons and who uphold strong marriage values. There are also plenty of couples who have adopted children and brought them into their home and treated them with love and care as if that child had been born to them. I'm not talking about those people. No, I commend them; I laud them for showing respect and dignity to these institutions.
I want to challenge the close-minded mindset that anyone and anything different is bad. Let me tell you- time are changing, my friend. We just elected an African-American President when just a few decades ago we were denying them rights and treating them as second class citizens. It's time to show some consistency. The Constitution lays out a separate but equal doctrine, let me tell you, sepearate does not always mean equal. It is a gross disservice to treat gays as second-class citizens. They have feelings just like everyone else. They break, bleed and cry over the injustices done to them. It's time to open your hearts and to love. It's time to show everyone that this world is not a cold, dead, unloving place and there is a place for them in this society.
Imagine if your rights were taken away from you. I'm going to venture to say that you would be pretty upset and you would feel wronged. So many people, when they get their toes even lightly stepped on they get into a fuss and begin complaining and whining about how they were trampled. This is a case of blatant injustice and inequality. Something has to be done.
This is not ok.

crossroads.

2008-11-27T19:58:00.000-08:00

I stand at a crossroads. I stand on the verge of new life stories. My future lies before me like blank pages in a book just waiting to be written. I stand staring into darkness trying to make something of it and decide where I want to go next. My hopes, my plans and my dreams have shifted and with that so has my future. I don't complain though. As I look and see my future before me I realize that the time is coming to make decisions for myself. I can't rely on my parents, no, it has to be me.
I see my college career coming to an end. In a little less than a year I will be a college graduate and I couldn't be more unsure as to what I'm doing or where I'm going. I don't necessarily see this as a bad thing. I have options open for any potential variables that might arise.
For once, I don't really know what to expect. I don't have any idea as to where my life is headed next. I don't have any idea who's coming into my life and who is going out of it. All I do know is my future is open and the crossroads are calling and adulthood is beckoning. This time I won't cover my ears and hide but I will consider my options carefully and decide cautiously.
I want a whole lot of new. I want to pack up my things, my money and my life and move. I want to start a new chapter in my life where I can truly start anew. Ultimately, this probably won't happen but the thought is nice.

untitled.

2008-10-29T19:03:00.001-07:00

I am a thief. I do not steal material objects, though. No, I steal words. I steal words and make them my own. I don't claim to be original. I do not claim to be creative. I only claim to be able to make words my own. I am not ashamed of this. In fact, I flaunt it. I like to believe the highest form of flattery is imitation.
I am also a storyteller. I think. I create. I share. I create fantasies to escape from a boring existence. I substitute my reality for a non-existent one. I substitute my reality for a figment from my mind. I've discovered imagination is a strong tool.
I come and posses hearts, minds and souls through my words and my storytelling. Words are the tools by which I build my world. In my world, anything's possible. It's furnished with the comfortable provisions from the worlds of those I come in contact with.
Nothing in my world is original. I recycle.

friendship.

2008-09-30T18:59:00.000-07:00

Friendship is a funny thing. We allow our friends to become so much a part of our lives. Our friends are the one we share our lives with, the ones we go to for advice, the ones we spent our time with, we laugh, cry, smile and frown together. Our friends are indispensable and all the crazy stunts, late nights, car rides and near death experiences bring us closer so that friends become family.
I have amazing friends back in Memphis. I have friends whom I have known almost my whole life, people with whom I have shared so much of my life and people who have been a large part of my life. I spend lots of time with them whenever I can. I come to Searcy and I have no one. I have acquaintances, I have "friends," but I have no one who I spend my time with here. I spend my weekends sitting in my room. I expected that at college of all places, I would form friendships that would last a lifetime. Unfortunately, I've only made friends with my couch. I suppose in a way, I shouldn't complain, I want true, deep friendships. I don't want to spend my time with people who are manipulative, coercive, gossipers, liars and backstabbers. I'd rather be alone.
I want true friendships, lasting friendships, deep friendships. It's lead me to completely taint my view of Harding. If people at a Chrisitian college are so selfish and shallow, I don't want any part of it. I have friends at other colleges who are much more loving, caring and selfless. It's no wonder Christians are so often given the label of hypocrites. I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me, nor do I want anyone to think I'm just complaining because that is not what I'm doing here. I just find it completely pitiful that so many of my friendships have been false and that people fail to reach out to those who desire to be reached.
I suppose I'll leave college with few new friends from Harding but a deeper friendship with long-time friends and with lots of promise from new friends elsewhere. I'm past the point of really caring about forming bonds here anymore, I'd just as well hurry up and get my school work done and graduate and never think about this place and try to put these years behind me.

island.

2008-09-22T20:47:00.000-07:00

"No man is an island entire of itself; everyone is a piece of a continent, a part of the main; if a clod were to be washed away by the sea, Europe is the less, as well as if a promontory were, as well as any manner of thy friends or of thine own were; any man's death diminishes me because I am involved in mankind. And therefore I know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee"
~John Donne
Mediation XVII

I suppose those words have had been bearing on me lately as I've come to realize that my actions affect not but also those around me. I am not an isolated being and just like when you stack up dominoes and you push one and the others fall because the one before it fell so it is when I make a decision. Things change not only for me but also for others around me.
Seeing life and decisions this way has forced me to step back and look around and realize how one thing can affect others. I need to realize the repercussions that my actions will have on other people. Though, often times, I need to make decisions for myself and do what I need to do sometimes I need to pick my options carefully. I can't live my life in isolation and pretending that I'm living for myself- the fact of the matter is, as much as I live for myself, I'm also living for others. No man is an island.
I'm determined to improve my life but also the lives of others. I'm determined to make the right choices that will best help me. I'm determined to make the right choices that will encourage, support and build up others as well as myself. I've come to take true notice of what happens when I don't consider others in my life decisions.
I have a bad track record of poor decisions. In the process, I hurt people close to me and put my very well-being in jeopardy. I did what I thought was right and I ignored everyone else. Friendships became strained and false. Everything I put on was a front and every word I said was a lie. No man is an island.
I've finally begun making better decisions but in many ways, it's too late. The crashing waves have already eroded the once solid land base and the waves can't put it back. I can only build walls to hold back the waves. I can't undo damage done. I can only move forward from where I am now. I quickly assessed the damage and took efforts to stop it and to make better decisions. Thankfully, I have been making better decision later and things have begun to finally look up again.
The devoted friends stuck around, new friends have come to support me in my weakness and the sun is shining. I've finally discovered the larger whole of which my life consists. No man is an island.

summer.

2008-08-27T21:36:00.000-07:00

Summer has come and gone. I bid it adieu with a tearful eye but also good riddance with a boot to kick it out the door. I'm not sure if I can say it's been a good one. Some of the happiest moments of my life occurred this summer but I also hit the lowest of lows at times. I came to some very telling revelations over the summer that have greatly affected my worldview. I've left this summer knowing those who I can call true friends. I've learned those who I can call on no matter what the situation. I've learned who I can call at all hours of the day or night crying my soul out to them. I've learned who I can truly rely on when I need them most. My friends form a truly unique support network for me in my life and I couldn't thank them enough.
This summer brought many unique challenges. It brought many euphoric days with those I love and it brought many days of complete despair. Unfortunately, the grand highs I reached this summer will remain overshadowed by the crushing defeats I suffered. I come out of this summer a much more weathered and beaten down soul. Yet I stand resolute and strong in the fact that I can never be defeated, I will always get back up and keep moving on through the pain and tears.
I'm not sure if I should be glad it's over or nostalgic for the memories. This was a summer filled with smiles, laughter, inside jokes and antics. It was also a summer filled with tears, fear, anger, heartache and screaming. I'm not sure which group ultimately wins out and to be honest, I'm not too sure I care to know.
One thing I do know and will always know is that God is faithful. That's one lesson I can take away from any and every situation and one thing I will never forget.

conquest.

2008-07-13T23:13:00.000-07:00

"It is not the mountain we conquer, but ourselves."
These words came from Sir Edmund Hillary after he had conquered a formidable obstacle- Mount Everest. It reminds me that sometimes there may be a mountain in our way but the easiest way to conquer a mountain is to conquer ourselves.
Sometimes we have to take a risk and stick our necks out to be able to conquer. We have to conquer our emotions, our fears, our insecurities, our doubts to receive the bounties of conquest. There's a catch though. You see, no one ever said conquest was easy. No, rather, conquest is a battle, it is painful, it is risky, it is difficult and even if you are defeated in the end, you have the pride in knowing you tried and should you succeed, you receive the glorious bounties awaiting you.
There are times we are wrestling with ourselves and we can't seem to find a way out and we stress and lose sleep and worry and analyze until we discover the mountain is still in our way. The mountain will never go away until we make an effort to conquer it- to reach the top and realize how far we've come. The hardest part is getting started. A conquest has got to begin somewhere and the first step up the mountain has to be made.
An important quality that is crucial to conquest is perseverance; pushing forward despite the pain and strong desires to give up. Once the first step is taken, there should be no more backward glances and no more second guessing. The decision has been made and the conquest must move forward at all costs. Giving up is never an option.
We all have demons inside ourselves that we must battle and we all have mountains we must conquer. But perhaps sometimes before we begin that process we need to equip ourselves with stamina, strength, courage and hope. Once we have the proper equipment we can conquer our own doubts and fears and focus our attention on overcoming our obstacles; our mountains.
You may fall down but you need, no, must get back up and continue. Nothing can keep you down if you focus all of your being into conquering that mountain. Once you commit to conquering the mountain, you become an force that cannot be stopped.
Conquering yourself is something you do individually but conquering the mountain will inevitably require the support, encouragement and strength of friends to keep you going. Their support is necessary lest you become discouraged and afraid.
Conquering yourself and mountains that stand in your way is not an easy task. It will take blood, sweat and tears but they must be conquered unless you want to spend our time gawking at the brooding edifice that stands in your way. Don't be afraid to take the first step toward conquering yourself and then conquering the mountains. You'll be happier and more fulfilled and more accomplished.
We must bend but not break.
We will fall but we must get up.
We will grow tired but we must persevere.

What doesn't kill us only makes us stronger.

live.

2008-06-17T17:35:00.000-07:00

Hopes and prayers.
Laughter and tears.
Smiles and frowns.
These are the moments that define our lives.

The only moments were are truly alive are the moments we live for someone other than ourselves.
We rejoice in our accomplishments, lament in our sufferings yet always stand on our own.

We realize there is a silver lining to every dark cloud.
We know true courage is found in overcoming obstacles.
We understand life doesn't always turn out as we wish.

Our lives consist of courage and fear, trust and respect, comfort and risk, war and creation, peace and love.
We live for today, hope for tomorrow and learn from the past.

Take a risk.
Be your own person.
Love with all you have.
Remember your roots.
Push through the pain.
Persist at all costs.
Never give up.

What doesn't kill us only makes us stronger.

journey.

2008-06-12T23:00:00.001-07:00

I am on a journey and that has become somewhat of a theme for my life. I'm on a journey to somewhere but nowhere in particular. I'm on a journey to find what matters most in my life. I'm on a journey to find companions and confidants. I'm on a journey down the narrow road.
I lose my way. I lose my confidence. I lose my companions. I lose my goal. I will always pick them back up again.
I don't desire to journey alone. No, I want fresh faces, new ideas and caring souls to join me. I'm looking for something yet nothing. I'm moving yet standing still.
Every once in a while I stop to rest my feet but I keep moving. My load is heavy, my knees are weak but my resolve is strong. I will not turn back on my journey. I've come so far.
I've a long way to go still but I don't complain. I know greater rewards await me at the end. The rewards of finishing outweigh the risks of continuing. I may stop to catch my breath but I will always keep my course.
I'm growing stronger and getting closer with each passing day.
My journey has led to great triumphs yet devastating downfalls. I won't let that stop me. I've fallen more times than can be counted but I've always gotten back up in the end. Nothing can keep me down. No one can tell me I can't do it.

As I've written before:

I'm on a journey. A journey across peoples' hearts, minds and souls. I 'm on a journey across America, indeed anyone interested enough may join me. I'm on a journey to find myself, friends, fresh thoughts, open minds, caring hearts and loving souls. I'm on a journey. a journey which you may follow me and with open ears listen. I want fresh spirits and refreshing personalities as my companions. I'm on a journey. will you join me?

freedom. (part deux)

2008-06-07T18:50:00.000-07:00

Oh, how I long to be free.

freedom.

2008-05-28T21:41:00.000-07:00

Close your eyes.
Forget your past.
Come fly.
Find the light and follow it with all you have. Discover the inner strength to be who you want to be.
Don't move.
Don't speak.
Don't distress.
Know yourself and your true longings. Realize your value and hold tight. Never let it go.
Never fear.
Never cry.
Never tremble.
Seek your happiness at all costs. Be free. Understand your true self and the person inside. Soar in the sunny skies.
Always move forward.
Never look back.
Continue to trust.
Quest for love.

regrets.

2008-05-27T14:09:00.001-07:00

I'm not one to regret much. There's a lot in my life that I have done that I should have regretted. I've always shrugged them off as learning experiences and thought nothing more of them. I always feel that if I regretted something I would be just wasting my life away on regrets instead of actually living my life and moving beyond my mistakes.
For once, I have a regret. It took time and distance for me to realize how foolish I was and how my life was affected by this mistake. For me, just remembering what I did and how big of a mistake this was haunts me daily. I wish I could purge the memories, the words, the times from my mind yet I can't- I try yet I fail. Yes, I learned something from it and I'm better because of it, I just wish it had never happened.
I thank God daily for removing me from that situation. I'm eternally grateful that I learned my mistake and I took action against it when I did. It couldn't have waited. It couldn't have continued. I did what I knew I had to do and I'm a better person. Never again will I look back and call that good times. I will always remember it as a low point, a dark spot to mar my life.
Thankfully, I refuse to dwell in my own mistakes. I'm moving on (and quite nicely, I would say). God is gracious and faithful. He's forgiven me, even if I can't forgive myself.

one.

2008-05-22T23:56:00.000-07:00

I can't believe a year went by so fast. This time last year, my head was full of excitement and anticipation of something good. I couldn't have been happier with how life was turning out to be for me. Unfortunately, all of that soon blew away with the summer wind. I am better because of it all. Everyday, I am reminded of how blessed I am and I am reminded of how great my life is now living without the thing I thought I needed to live.
Life isn't perfect but I'm having the time of my life. Friends come in and fill the void. I relied on my faith and my friends and that got me through it all and I realize that I only need those two things to keep me going when life gets tough. I also finally come to understand that mistakes are always made and life will never get good and stay good. We are only human; we are fallible. I come to realize that I can't always rely on people as people can and will fail you.
I know that I will fail people. I realize that I will never be perfect and I'm okay with that now. I've learned to take joy in my imperfections as that's what defines me. Nevertheless, I will always do the best I can for people.
No, this isn't new years, yet in a way it is for me. I can remember a year ago and I can remember where I was there and I see where I am now and where I want to be in the future. Everyday I'm growing and changing more into the person I want to be.
I look back and I'm thankful.

hope.

2008-05-12T23:18:00.000-07:00

It may be crazy to comprehend but I am not infallible. I make mistakes. I do things which I should know better than to do in the first place. I ache for something new and something good yet in my intense yearning I do things I shouldn't do; and make decisions that may not be the best to make. This serves to prove how much growing I have still to do. I have selective belief systems. I choose what I believe based on what's best for me and what will get me farthest. I am far too selfish sometimes but yet I am still so giving.
I feel like I've done so much growing but I still continually digress and fall into the same old traps. I still have a long way to go and a lot to learn. I still hold out hope for something good to come my way soon. I know there are plans for me that I know nothing about and I'm thankful.
When I look back and see how my life has turned out, I can't really complain. I've been blessed beyond belief. Life always has its ups and downs but I have what I need. I have my faith to get me through anything.
I no longer need to compromise, look back or lower myself. I will never give up wishing, hoping and dreaming- it's what I do best anyway. Summer is here and I can only hope good things blow in with the summer wind.

decisions.

2008-05-08T21:25:00.000-07:00

We all have decisions to make some more difficult than others. We make decisions on a daily basis: we decide what we want to wear, where to eat for lunch and other insignificant decisions. Other times, our decisions affect more than just ourselves and affect those close to us. We're afraid our decisions will negatively affect those people will love and we become scared.
I've realized that I really don't know if I can do this again. I don't know if I can do this anymore. I stay confused and unsure. I can't compromise my happiness and well-being for the sake of another person's feelings.
You see, I've never been amazing at making decisions. I've never been too assertive. I make too many mistakes but I suppose it's all a part of growing up.

I suspect these next couple weeks ought to prove a lot to me.

update.

2008-04-29T12:54:00.000-07:00

I have nothing to say. There's too much to write about but I have no idea how to put any of it into words. Hold tight for blog sometime soon.

tonight.

2008-04-04T01:24:00.000-07:00

Tonight as tornadoes raced across Arkansas, tornadoes also raced across my life leaving a devastating path of destruction. I'm left wondering where to begin to pick up some semblance of a content life. I feel sometimes we underestimate the power of words. I feel sometimes we underestimate the power of our actions.
It has become apparent that even though we're in college, people still want to play the middle school games of not confronting people when they need to be, of shamelessly passing rumors, of assuming. Lies hurt others in big ways.
Tonight my life took a huge change. I saw everything I cherished, dreamed for and worked for laid out on the line in front of me. I feel I may have gained back my life but I lost my heart. I'm thankful for another chance yet I feel such a large-scale crisis could have and should have been averted.
I suppose one of the downfalls of living on a small, tight-knit, uber Christian campus is that everyone is always in everyone else's business- drawing conclusions, understanding half-truths, spreading misinformation. I was warned about coming here. I was warned against it. Looking back on it, I guess I should have listened.
I want to go somewhere where I have my close friends and no one else cares or even knows. I want to go somewhere where no one knows my history. I want to go somewhere where I can be the person I have always wanted to be. I want to go somewhere where I finally get to be happy.
I have to get out.

growing.

2008-03-30T21:20:00.001-07:00

As we grow older we begin to view life differently. We begin to view ourselves differently.
We learn to find our assurance and self-worth within ourselves and not rely on others so heavily for our self-esteem. When we're younger we feel we can never be attractive enough, good enough, nice enough, talented enough to impress anyone. As time progresses, we begin to realize exactly which voices to which we listen.
We begin to realize who the truthful people are and who will always speak complete honesty to us no matter the situation. We find the friends who will tell us when we're being idiots, when our outfit is hideous and when we need to shut up. We also find the friends who will tell us when we did a good job, when we look good and when we did just the right thing. It's important to shut out all the other negative voices and the overly positive voices and listen to those who will consistently speak truth directly to our hearts and minds.
It's important to find worth within ourselves and not within the world and their perception of us. We should feel confident enough in ourselves that we don't need to worry what they thing because we know that there are people out there who like us just the way we are at that very moment.
Luckily, I've found the people in life who I trust. I've found the people who can speak directly to my heart and to my mind. I know who matters in life. I know whose advice I can always trust to be the complete truth.
It's a hard thing to do, but once you learn to stop caring what everyone else thinks, it really frees you up to really live your life the way you want instead of worrying about what everyone else thinks of you.
Also, as we grow older, we learn to not spread silly rumors. Though this is an unrelated note, I feel it needs to be said.
I've heard it said that when we assume you "make an ass out of you and me." I find this statement completely true. Sometimes our assumptions are far off though sometimes they are exactly correct. When we assume things and spread rumors that may or may not be true, it only hurts others. It's always best to confront the person about which the rumor is spread instead of continuing it or inquiring others of its validity.
You know who you are and you know what I'm talking about right now.
Let's all be grown ups and handle information of such a sensitive nature in an adult way. This does not include spewing information which may or may not be correct. Besides, it's probably none of your business anyway. If you are one of the people who this is aimed at, and you know who you are, talk to me before talking to anyone else. That's the adult thing to do- let's all be big boys and girls.

past.

2008-02-19T22:52:00.000-08:00

You can never escape your past.
It will always be there haunting you, shaping your present and your future. Your pains, your trials, your heartaches, your joys, your comforts and your successes always follow you wherever you may go.
I wish I could erase parts of my past. I wish I could go back in time and do things over again. I wish I could change how things happened. I wish I could make it better. I wish I could have known what I know now about life and allowed that to influence some of my naive decisions of an earlier time.
I can look back on my childhood and I miss when my days were sectioned off into two parts- before nap and after nap. I miss when the hardest decision I had to make was whether I wanted crunchy or creamy peanut butter on my peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I miss when you could fight with someone then be best friends again two seconds later. I miss when mommy could make everything better. I miss the days when nothing mattered but coloring, napping and playing. What I wouldn't give to go back to the sandbox days.
I don't think we ever quite recover from our past no matter what it is. I don't think we ever quite recover from our disappointments or our successes. Our disappointments still drudge up unwanted emotion and our successes still make us beam with joy.
My past is littered with disappointments and successes. I'm remiss that what should have been my biggest success was turned into one of my biggest disappointments and it continues to pain me today. I have an awful lot of hurt inside of me and I may be more guarded than I used to be but I refuse to let my past make me become any less loving or caring.
Whenever I meet someone, I realize that they're bringing all their worries, cares and hurts with them and I try to be sympathetic of that unfortunately, I often fail when it comes to that. All I request is sympathy, tenderness, love, care and acceptance.
I refuse to let the past defer me from still pushing toward my ultimate success and a life goal. I will not be stopped. I must break through the pain of the past to allow myself to consider the fulfillment of the future.
I can see where I've been and I hate feeling stuck there. I hate how I can never escape my past. I can never escape the baggage that has come with it. I suppose by my remembering a lot of my past today, it has helped me reframe the present. It has put the now, the today in perspective.
Nevertheless, I still long for the sandbox days. Take me back to training wheels and red wagons.

change.

2008-02-12T20:46:00.000-08:00

I covet change. I loathe complacency.
I'm sick of life staying the way it is. I need something new, something fresh, something exciting. I hate looking back and seeing the way life used to be and being overwhelmed by nostalgia for what I used to have and the things I valued.
I had hoped for 2008 to be something new. I expected big changes to be underway. I sort of expected the new year to be a deus ex machina type thing when it comes and suddenly everything is perfect, all problems are resolved and life is as it should be. So far, 2008 had already had it's fair share of disappointments.
I hate standing still and seeing the world change around me. I hate crawling along while the world whirls by at a dizzying pace. I want to start something new. I want some variety to shake up my life.
I'm tired of feeling bored with present situations. I'm tired of trying but not succeeding. I'm tired of feeling unmotivated. I'm tired of complacency. For a person like me, sitting around too long spells disaster.
Time moves by so quickly but change doesn't come soon enough.
I'm sick of complacency. Give me change!

hypocrites.

2008-01-26T22:08:00.000-08:00

So many times, people who call themselves Christians can be so unloving and so unkind. I'm baffled as to how these people who sing songs to God on Sunday can turn right around and go directly against Jesus' message of love, kindness and compassion. This is my biggest complaint about Christians. Sure, we can wear our church camp t-shirts, quote scripture and sing all the wonderful church songs but it's harder to actually practice what we preach. It's no wonder churches are encountering problems and the number of people attending is shrinking. It's no wonder people are so turned off to Christianity.
We act like we are so much better than everyone else, we gossip, we lie and we act un lovingly then we realize it's time for our post-dinner devo then our suite Bible study. How hypocritical of us to know what it is we're supposed to do but then we don't even do it. We are all guilty. Even me. I try my hardest to love and to care but it gets awful hard sometimes.
God's love is unconditional. He doesn't care where you go or what you do- he loves you right where you are. Unfortunately, so many times, our love is conditional. We only love someone if they say the right things, do what we want them to do and treat us right otherwise we just blow them off. I have yet to experience unconditional love. I have only experienced the love of people whose very lives are a contradiction. I no longer vie for other people's attention and love. I don't need man's love- only God's. I don't need to rely on the love of friends who are here one day and gone the next.
I need consistency.

new.

2008-01-01T00:43:00.000-08:00

While most people write a sort of conclusion, some final words, a bookend about their year, instead I want to look forward rather than back.
To set up this prospective journey, I must begin by looking back to see the direction from which I've come. This has been a year of immense change and a year of firsts. Ultimately, I must say this year has been one of the bests I've had. Life has been tough, I've gone through my share of trials this past year but it has only strengthened me. I held fast to my resolution and became much more self-aware than in the past.
For this year, my resolution is "free to be." These words are a promise that I will be myself. I will be free to be who I want to be despite what others think. For too long, I've concerned myself greatly with how others view me and what they think of me and I've been too concerned with pleasing them even at the expense of my own happiness. I've decided that I'd rather people like me for who I am than who I pretend to be.
I must admit, this will be a challenge for me. I will still be wanting to know what others think and trying to fit myself into the mold that others would have me fill. By then end of this year I hope to be at a point where I am myself first and foremost and I be who I need to be. If I walk around trying to please others, then I am making myself miserable. I dislike who I've become simply because I want people to like me.
This year I will be "free to be." This promises to be a year of change but of amazing victories. Journey with me through another year of triumphs, failures and change. Journey with me as I fight the battles that trouble me most. Journey with me as I strive to be "free to be."
Happy 2008.

miracles.

2007-12-24T17:07:00.000-08:00

I believe in miracles. I'm not talking about supernatural miracles like the ones performed in the Bible though, yes, I do believe in those too. The miracles I'm talking about are the miracles that take life by surprise. I'm talking about the miracles when the things we deem impossible become possible.
I'm praying for a miracle. I want something to happen so bad I just can't stand it. I have a strong passionate desire that I deem as a difficult but worthwhile task. I've always heard it said that "if you believe it, then you can achieve it." I believe it. Now, I want to achieve it.
I'm a dreamer. A dangerous one at that. I dream at night but my most passionate dreams are dreamed in the day. I want this dream to come true. I want this. I deserve this. Dreams are not always easy, they are work. We may be able to achieve our dreams if we work hard for it. I'm willing to work at this. I'm willing to put in everything I've got into this dream.
My main hang up is that I have trouble taking my own advice. I've given many people advice on their dreams and many just like my own. I will do what I can.
And so with shaking hands, butterflies in the stomach and extreme nervousness, I will embark on making my dream come true. I will try to get my Christmas miracle.
I believe it now I want to achieve it!

resolution.

2007-12-22T21:38:00.001-08:00

Last year, I started something and this year I plan on continuing it. I started setting resolutions for things that are growth moments. I didn't resolve to lose weight, exercise more, quit smoking or drive slower. No, I made a resolution to "detach, protect, resolve." These three words were packed with meaning and with power. I knew there was something in my life with which I was discontented and I made a pact with myself to fix this problem.
This year will be no different. Today I've decided on my resolution for 2008. I picked my life apart and picked another part of life in which I wanted change. These resolutions are all a part of a life improvement plan. I don't know who I want to be but I do know who I don't want to be and I'm determined to take the initiative for change.

My life is a work in progress.
Stick around to see who I'm becoming.

I've included the image I created for my 2007 resolution. I create an image for my resolutions so I will see it and continually be reminded of what it is I want to do. In my new years post, I'll reveal my newest resolution and its image.

escape.

2007-12-10T14:03:00.001-08:00

For some reason, all I ever want anymore is just to get out of here. I don't want to go home. I don't want to be in Arkansas. I want to be out. I want to start a new life in a new place with new people. It's not that I don't like where I am because, in all honesty, life isn't that bad. I have myself, my best friend, my music and my passion to keep me going.
I guess, it's because my passion has changed. My focus has shifted. I know where I want to be and what I want to do. I want to travel the world, meet new people, try new things all while night after night presenting my deep passion to the thousands.
Of course, I still consider educational theatre to be an attainable goal that I'm pursuing. But these days, I believe in the power of dreaming with your eyes open and making them come true.

I'm determined to be somebody someday.

100.

2007-12-07T22:16:00.000-08:00

So, I've read on a lot of people's blogs that they are doing this. They are sharing 100 things about themselves. I'm doing this, not because I'm bored (though I am) but because I always find it important to be open about myself. This will, no doubt, reveal some struggles and some triumphs that you can join me in fighting or rejoicing. So, here goes.

1. I can't stand football
2. Or really any sports for that reason
3. I used to run track and cross country
4. I used to want to be a theatre critic
5. I have an unhealthy obsession with clothing
6. I will judge you on your mannerisms
7. I worked for Sonic Drive-In for almost 4 years
8. Just because I act nice around you doesn't mean I like you
9. I'm a lot more vindictive than people suspect
10. I have low self-esteem
11. I'm not very confident in myself
12. I'm a bad at managing my money, sometimes
13. I wish I could fly
14. I just quit smoking
15. I love pasta
16. I really love my parents
17. I wish my sister and I got along better
18. I'm a hopeless romantic to a sickening degree
19. I want to be liked no matter how many times I say I don't
20. Aimee is by far the best friend I've ever had
21. I'm terrified about becoming a teacher
22. I love American Eagle clothing
23. I judge you on your clothing
24. I can't stand thick southern accents
25. I'm extremely nosy
26. I tend to over-analyze
27. I worry too much
28. I'm very emotional
29. I'm terrified of gaining weight
30. I'm a control freak
31. I have a tendency to get very angry when pushed too far
32. I'm a Dr. Pepper fanatic
33. I really don't like my car
34. I like being in charge
35. I'm much more talented than people give me credit for
36. I've been trying to prove myself as an actor since I came here
37. I really love my majors
38. I'd rather sleep than eat
39. I'm cold a lot
40. I have a tendency to be moody
41. I'm addicted to Facebook
42. I want to move to Chicago
43. I hate Axe Body Spray
44. I'm extremely impatient
45. I hate my voice
46. I wish I could sing better
47. Unfortunately, I'm a good liar
48. I like cooking
49. I care too much what people think about me
50. I'm very nosy
51. I'd rather prefer texting to calling
52. I have a lofty life goal
53. I'm a mama's boy
54. I hate using the world "ya'll"
55. I don't like clubbing
56. I think drunkards are irresponsible
57. I collect dimes
58. And pins
59. I wish I were funny
60. I find this slightly terrifying
61. I talk too much
62. Surprisingly, I'm a good listener
63. I like giving advice
64. I like feeling needed
65. I'm too judgmental
66. There's only one person I really can't stand in life
67. This person's in the theatre department
68. I'm always looking to improve myself
69. I open myself up to constructive criticism
70. My favorite font is Times New Roman
71. My favorite color is blue
72. I'm not as outgoing as I seem
73. I feel people don't like me more than I feel they like me
74. I hate fluorescent lights
75. I love Helen Keller jokes
76. I talk to myself
77. I can't stand haters
78. I loathe cheaters
79. A lot of stuff bothers me
80. I'm ready for a lasting relationship
81. I love musicals
82. I watch too many kid's movies
83. A big pet peeve is when people don't answer their phones
84. Or call back
85. People who play "love games" disgust me
86. I thrive on honesty
87. Roseanne is my favorite TV show
88. I really am a jerk
89. People just think I'm joking when I'm serious
90. I'm terrified that I just said that
91. I don't regret anything
92. I like to take everything as a learning experience
93. I will be somebody someday
94. I insult people under my breath
95. I try to be a good person
96. If I ask you "am I a bad person?" I'm seriously asking
97. I take great pride in my personal appearance
98. I'm an Eagle Scout
99. I wish I were a tenor
100. I get frustrated too easily

memories.

2007-12-05T19:25:00.000-08:00

You came to take us
All things go, all things go
To recreate us
All things grow, all things grow
~Chicago by Sufjan Stevens

As life moves on and happens we form memories. Some good. Some bad. Unfortunately, I look back on many fond memories and they fill me with strong emotion. My throat closes up. My heart sinks. My stomach drops. These were supposed to be the happiest moments but instead they've become the moments I most dread. I read blatant lies, empty promises and false fronts. Yet I still long for these moments again.
I wish I could wipe these memories from my brain. I wish they wouldn't affect me like they do. I wish I could forget. I wish things were different. I wish life had turned out differently.
I wish. . .
I wish. . .
I convinced myself everything would be okay. I convinced myself nothing else mattered. I convinced myself I wasn't being lied to. I convinced myself I knew better. I convinced myself I was right. I convinced myself you were right.
I was wrong.
You were wrong.
We were wrong.
I guess we all grow. We all learn. We all make mistakes.
It's not you who I miss. It's the thought. I will not let this get me down.
I am resilient.
I will find my way back.
I hope no one else gets caught in your trap, your siren song. Your pretty face and smart words will entice many people to their deaths. You will lead them until you ultimately pull them under and move on to the next unsuspecting traveler.

Today, I sat down to get these words out of my system. I set out to set it straight. I knew if I got it out of me it would no longer be haunting my brain. I knew it would no longer be threatening my happiness. I hope this to be my farewell.

I'm posting this against my best instincts and second-thoughts.
Not that anyone will read this anyway.

thanks-giving.

2007-11-21T21:48:00.000-08:00

Amidst the sweet potato casserole, the stuffing, the cranberries and the turkey, do we really take the time to reflect on what we're thankful for? We have so much in life to be thankful for that we would be remiss not to take the time to actually consider everything we are blessed with- a home, clothes, friends, family and so many other things.
There are also people in our life who are important. There are many people in my life, I know, that I'm thankful for; people who have influenced me and shaped me into the person I am today. This Thanksgiving I'm going to contact the people whom I am most thankful for and actually tell them how much they mean to me.
On this Thanksgiving, I invite you to sit back and take some real time to reflect on what you're thankful for, write them out, make a list and next time you're feeling down and you have nothing in life to be thankful for, pull out that list.
Happy Thanksgiving. May we always be thankful for the best gift of all- Jesus Christ dying on the cross. Let's have an "attitude of gratitude."

time.

2007-11-19T19:08:00.000-08:00

time marches on at the speed of life. the clock never stops. things change, people change, situations change with time. sometimes i wish i could stop time at a happy moment and stay there forever. sometimes i wish i could reverse time and keep reliving my best memories over and over and over. unfortunately, the clock never stops. even as my fingers type this, time is passing and things are changing.
i'm not sure if i believe the old saying "time is on your side." it seems time likes to take things from you. for others, time is a wonderful thing. i think of my parents who are going on 27 years of marriage- for them time is a beautiful gift that gives them another day together. i think of my sister going on 2 years of marriage- for her time is what draws her and her husband closer and closer each day. the clock never stops. for me, time is something i dread. i look into my future and i have no idea where it will lead and i don't want life to pass and things to change.
i've been reading old messages from the summer and all i can do is realize how much time has taken its toll on one of the happiest moments of my life. the clock never stops. i can only hope that as time marches at the speed of life everything will get better. life will get better. i will have more happier moments. i have a sense of dread that maybe i've reached the pinnacle and nothing gets better from here. unfortunately, only time will tell.
the clock never stops.

mistakes.

2007-11-07T20:47:00.000-08:00

We all make mistakes. We all say and do irrational things in the heat of the moment that we didn't mean. When feelings get hurt we tend to go on the offensive and attack that which hurt our feelings. It amazes me how just a few words said out of frustration can hurt a friendship so totally.
The only option when something like this happens is to approach the person and to apologize; to ask for forgiveness. One can only hope the other person will be willing to make amends. A friendship lost is a terrible thing and is painful to endure.
People come and go. People grow and shrink in importance. We all make mistakes. Lives go on. Feelings are hurt. Tempers flare. We all make mistakes.
Sometimes the words cut deep. Sometimes harsh statements and accusations are thrown around meaninglessly. Empty words can still hurt.
I thank God for giving me forgiving friends.
No one's perfect.
We all make mistakes.

connections.

2007-11-05T14:24:00.000-08:00

I find my emotional connections in crying eyes.

birthday.

2007-10-22T22:06:00.000-07:00

My 21st birthday is 9 days away.
I wish time would go back instead of forward.
With where my life is now, I just want to go back to where my only cares were deciding if I wanted strawberry or grape jelly on my sandwich or if I wanted to stick the green crayon or the blue crayon up my nose. I feel in my (almost) 21 years of life, I have been burdened with so much more than what I feel I can handle. I'm making decisions that I don't feel I'm qualified to make about my life. I feel the weight of the world is bearing down on me and I can't hold it anymore.
I'm tired of being frustrated all the time. I'm tired of constantly being confused. I'm tired of giving so much to people who give back so little in return. I feel so much is being taken from me but not enough is being given back and that someday soon I may just run out.
All I need is just someone to hold me while life spins around me and to keep me tight and safe and never let go. All I need is just someone to tell me it's okay when I feel I'm nearing the end of all I can do. All I need is just someone to help me.
Yes, I know I have God who will never let go; but I need something physical. I need the feeling of arms wrapped around me and keeping me safe as I fall apart. I feel my defenses crumbling. I feel my tough exterior usually characterized by absolute goofiness and smiles is falling apart and revealing my vulnerability and the smiles have faded into shifting eyes and the goofiness has given way to tears.
Sometimes all I want to do is go home where I can sit on the couch next to my mom and feel her love.
Sometimes all I want to do is go home and lay in my bed in my room where I feel safe.
Well, here's to (almost) 21 years.

I'm hoping the next 21 will be better than these have been.

patience.

2007-10-20T16:38:00.000-07:00

I think the Lord is trying to teach me patience. It's a painful process and I'm fighting it the whole way through, but I have faith that it will be better once He's through with me. I've never been a patient person. One of the fruits of the spirit is patience. I'm trying my hardest to let the Lord do his work but it's very difficult to keep it all up.
Sometimes, lessons are so hard to learn.

conflict.

2007-10-17T09:53:00.000-07:00

I feel I'm at war with myself. My heart is battling my mind. My mind is battling itself.

I will not be a doormat for anyone. I do have the courage to stand up and do what I feel is right for me, even if it's painful. It's all a growing process. It's not supposed to be easy. That's the hard part. Sometimes, even though I'm doing what I think is best and right for me, it still hurts. I guess what I've done is for my own good. Either I keep doing what I was doing and be frustrated and constantly exhausted and hurt or I do what's best and allow all of this to move past me.
I can't try anymore. I can't keep giving and getting nothing in return. I'm just so tired. Perhaps I don't know the whole story, but how am I supposed to when I'm never told? I have to give up and quit exhausting myself. I'm being stretched to the point of breaking. I always ask myself how something so good can become something so bad. I simply don't have an answer for that question, at least, not yet.
My life is still a work in progress but I've learned that all of life is a growing experience. I've grown a lot these past couple months: I've gained courage, I've gained confidence, I've gained insight. I will not be a doormat for anyone. I will do what I think is best for me.
This is what's best for me. At least, I think it's what's best for me.
I remain confident in the fact that God has something out there that is greater than all of this. I remain confident that there is a bigger plan that I'm just not seeing. Perhaps I need to back away and see the whole picture. I need to learn patience and trust.

I hope I did the right thing.
Please reassure me before I start second guessing myself again.

frustration.

2007-10-14T11:51:00.000-07:00

Frustration has overwhelmed me. I find myself just wanting to stay in bed and never get out and face the day. I just hope everyday that the next call I get will be from him.
I keep trying and trying and giving and giving and nothing happens.
It's taking all the strength I can muster to not just give up. I'm wearing thin. My strength is quickly being depleted. I'm just so tired that I can't bear it anymore. I wonder sometimes if it wouldn't just be easier to give up. I'm not prepared to handle this by myself.
I have no more answers.
I'm just so tired.
I know it's wrong not to help when asked but I don't know what to do when the other person isn't helping me help them. Everything is two-sided; there's give and take on both ends. I keep giving and I'm not getting anything.
I'm running out of energy.
I don't know anymore.
I have no more answers.
I'm just so tired.

freedom.

2007-10-09T16:49:00.000-07:00

"With Liberty and Justice for all."
Liberty is freedom. Freedom from fear, freedom from others, freedom from persecution but most importantly freedom from discrimination. I have always been in support of equal rights for all. Our own Declaration of Independence says, "We hold these truths to be self-evident that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of happiness." Notice the world "all." This is inclusive. It includes everyone not just some people but everyone.
Where do we get the idea that all men are not created equal and that we can deny people these rights?
The United States is a country that is held up as a place where everyone can have a chance. This has been a basic purpose of our country. Must we now digress and not offer equal rights for all? Unfortunately, our country's past hasn't been exactly squeaky clean. That's perfectly clear in the slavery that marred and split our great nation during the Civil War.
We must make it a point to treat all people as equals. We all come from different backgrounds, we are different genders, we have different skin tones but that does not make us any more or any less of a person. We are all created in God's image and that does not give us room to judge, look down on or discriminate.
There have always been people who have incited revolution: from Rosa Parks to Martin Luther King from Matthew Shephard to Morris Kight from Sojourner Truth to Mary Wollstonecraft. These are people society holds up as pioneers. We could learn some valuable lessons from these people.
We all have a power to stand up and make a difference. Discrimination stops with you. Equal rights must be something that is valued within our society. We must make it a point to treat everyone equally regardless. The time has come to put away prejudices and the history and move forward. We can be the change that will influence the future. If we make a determined effort to put aside age-old stereotypes and treat all people with the equality in which they demand and deserve we can change the world.
There are only two levels: God and man. No one is better than anyone else. All men are created equal and it seems too often our views of a person are marred by our own close-mindedness. The day has come to put aside separate but equal and embrace Brown v. Board of Education. The day has come where everyone can live together in harmony. The day has come where everyone can work and live without discriminating based on race, age, sexual orientation, ethnicity, skin color or gender.
We should go a step farther and embrace everyone regardless. We shouldn't just tolerate everyone but accept them and love them. We should eliminate discrimination and put aside shallow differences. I see a human race united and stronger than ever. I see a nation and a world living in total harmony. I see people from all walks of life standing side by side. I see children growing up without prejudices infiltrating their young thoughts. We can be pioneers, we can make a difference. There is no better time to start than right now.
Let's blaze a trail into unknown territory. Let's stand up and make this world a better place. Let's end discrimination once and for all. Let's become a people who no longer look down, judge, cast aside, and ignore. Let's continue the legacy of the men and women who fought to level the play field.

With liberty and justice for all.
All men are created equal.

beginnings.

2007-09-29T23:59:00.000-07:00

the prospect of something new always delights me. i enjoy the adventure and the thrill of something new; the movement into uncharted territory. lately, i've been closing chapters and writing new ones in my book of life. i've discovered the long overdue need to start something new. i've realized that some journeys begin and the path dead ends and some may continue to a life-long adventure. unfortunately, some of my journeys have begun and have encountered a few obstacles in the path, but that does not deter me from standing at another fork in the road and in wide-eyed wonderment begin trekking down another path.
if anything, my recent endings have disillusioned me and hardened me to the world. i've realized that staring at the world through rose-colored glasses does nothing for me. i've taken off my blinders and begun to see what is encroaching on my path and allowed me to be able to conquer those ambushers before they conquer me. i've become more of a person who is not afraid to tackle the tough issues glaring me right in the face and i've stepped up to be someone with a spine and who can take the lead instead of following blindly all the way to inevitable failure. i'm not afraid to stand up when i feel threatened or wronged, i'm letting my voice be heard.
i'm becoming the person i want and need to be.
i am a work in progress.
stick around to see who i will become.

changing.

2007-09-11T20:56:00.000-07:00

It seems more and more these days I see friends clashing. I see people growing, changing and becoming who they were meant to be. as friends grow, they sometimes grow apart. I don't let it bother me anymore. I always hold the idea that if the person doesn't need me, then I don't need them. once you get to grasp that realization and accept it and embrace it. I'm fun and outgoing, I can always make new friends. I have no need to be snobby and anxious. I'm not arrogant, I don't pretend to be someone I'm not. I will never change who I am only to please someone.
This seems to be the problem with many people. They can't accept themselves and can therefore not accept the fact that friends come and go. So, while everyone is sitting around miserable, I'm having the time of my life.

searching.

2007-08-27T21:58:00.000-07:00

Anymore these days all I really find myself wanting is someone to share my life with. Someone to love and someone who loves me back. I long for that close friendship, that companionship, that closeness of knowing everything about another person. It's amazing how one can be surrounded by so many people yet feel so alone.
It's not that I don't have things to occupy my time and to keep my brain busy because I do. It's just that I miss calling someone every night, hearing their voice and knowing that person is yours and that person cares for you and is there for you. I miss being able to call someone my own. I miss hearing soft, sweet voices saying "I love you."
Sometimes I don't understand. Sometimes I don't want to understand. It's not that I'm dwelling in the past, because I've moved past everything- it's just that what I want is that feeling again.
I wonder sometimes if I'm too much of a believer in love. True love is out there and some of us are destined to find it and some of us not. No amount of heartbreak, no amount of hurt will ever make me stop loving. My heart may be fragile but I know I must keep pressing on. Part of finding true love is putting yourself out there and making yourself vulnerable. Love is the most powerful emotion known to man and I'm destined to find it out.
I refuse to give up hope that the "one" for me is out there. I know somewhere God created someone special just for me. I'll find out one of these days. I guess we all have to make a few mistakes before we can finally make the right decision.
"Life has a way of confusing us, blessing and bruising us . . ."
This is my quest. I've been on this quest for years and I am relentless. I will not give up. I cannot and will not accept or admit defeat.

ponderings.

2007-08-18T22:00:00.000-07:00

Well, I figure I'll switch here seeing as almighty Harding IT has blocked more websites- including xanga. Thankfully, I have this unused blog here which I can begin to use instead.
I've discovered more and more these days that life isn't always as it seems. There are things which we may thing we want and we may think are best when in reality they are the farthest thing from what we need. I'm not sure what I need. I know what I think I need. I need, or rather, want what everyone else wants in life nowadays: security, peace of mind, comfort, rest, love and friendship. I will get these things, they aren't unattainable goals put out there simply to tease the minds of humans. No, they are more, they are real life, practical things which we all desire and will eventually get in the end.
So what if things don't always come our way when we want them? Since when it is that man is the decider of his own fate? I guess I'll just sit here longer, wondering how I got here and what I can do knowing none of it matters much anyway. I feel more satisfied like this anyway.