truth.

Polonius says in William Shakespeare's Hamlet:

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.
Farewell, my blessing season this in thee!

Though I recognize the meaning of this statement in context means that we should take care of ourselves that way we will be in a better position of taking care of others, I choose to take this statement in a New Age context.  I choose to view this statement as essentially denoting the fact that we should understand ourselves and we should know ourselves.

I've discovered in my own life that I have perhaps not been true to myself.  I have allowed outside influences to make my decisions for me.  I've allowed others to tell me who I am and what I want.  I've determined that I listen to others more than I listen to my own soul.  I have a lack of self-confidence in that I feel I am inadequate to make decisions for myself.  I find myself continually seeking approval from others and valuing their opinion more highly than my own.  

While I recognize I prefaced this posting by commenting that I wasn't necessarily taking this statement written so adeptly by The Bard in its original context, I suggest that perhaps there is a connection.  How am I in a position to help others when I can't even help myself and make up my own mind.  

I have some work to do and a long way to go.  Trials of life come and suddenly you lose your footing and the solid ground in which you once stood gives way and you find yourself in a place completely unfamiliar and new.  When this happens, confidence is shaken and self-esteem is diminished.  The unfortunate result for me is that I then have a difficult time trusting my own judgment and I rely increasingly on others for their sound judgment and decision-making skills.  There is a seriously grave error in this.  No one else knows and understands my life and my situations but me and there is no reason why anyone should make decisions that they deem are best when they know so little about what is affecting me.  

Therefore, I must listen to my self more and others less.  I recognize that others will absolutely have an influence in my life but I am my own primary decision-maker.  I must trust my own judgment, logic and emotion to guide my properly.  I must be true to myself and know myself at all times.  This revelation, however trifling it may seem to others, is quite grand to me.  I am driven, I am committed and goal-oriented and now I must rely on myself to reach these goals.  There is no turning back.  There is no doubt.  There is no second-thought.  There is only the willpower and the courage to drive through life with a goal in mind and an end in sight.
Listen to your soul; follow your heart and you can't go wrong.

resolution 2011

I'm so glad to say goodbye to 2010.  I had high hopes, dreams and aspirations for last year.  It started out with a bang and kept getting better and better but somewhere along the way, it all came down.  These past couple months have been an absolute disaster.  I'm not looking for pity, I'm not looking for sympathy.  All I'm doing is stating the absolute fact.
I don't really know how a day can make such a difference.  I don't know what changes in our psyche from December 31 to January 1 or from one year to the next but something out the freshness of a new year brings hopes for change.  Each year people resolve to lose weight or to exercise more or to quit smoking or to eat better but how many of those resolutions last past May? I'm looking to make a change and I'm looking to hold onto that change.
This year, I'm resolving to make better decisions.  It may sound completely petty, but, to me, it's something that I know needs improvement and it's where I know I've got to make a change.  I can look back and trace the outcomes of this past year to poor decision making on my part.  I thought I knew what I was doing.  I thought I knew where I was going but then I found myself in places and situations where all the rules are changed and all bets are off.
I allowed people to get too close to me who weren't looking out for anyone's well-being but their own.  I found myself pleading to hold on to the comfortable when what was comfortable was absolutely not what was best.  I discovered that so few people are truly the person they present themselves to be.  I now have a hard time trusting anyone since I never know how truthful they are being.  I allowed people to affect my life in ways that were completely short-sighted and ignorant.  When I look at where I've landed, I discover more and more that it is directly related to poor decision-making on my part and I will no longer allow myself to be a victim of my own poor judgment. I've gotten myself into situations where I should have known better, where I allowed myself to go against my conscience and act selfishly.
I suppose some good has come out of this though.  I've grown.  I'm no longer the person who simply sits back quietly while others treat me unfairly.  I'm not longer the person who simply bites his tongue and takes verbal, mental or emotional beatings.  I speak out against injustice and unfair treatment.  It's yet to be determined whether these decisions are for the better or not but I'm hopeful that it's a start on this new year.
There are people who I have lost as friends this year- those who I dropped willingly, won't be able to read this anyway. To those I lost unwillingly, I encourage you to reach out again.  If I've hurt you, I apologize and I ask for another chance.  If I've let you down, please don't give up on me yet.  If I treated you poorly, I ask for you to recognize I didn't do it purposefully.  To those who are still around, thanks.  I couldn't have done it without you.
It's a new year and I'm ready to make a fresh start.  I'm ready to put this disastrous year behind me and look to the future.  Here's to 2011 and all the excitement and improvements it should bring.

resolution.

I know it's late but I've really been debating and thinking about this year's resolution.  I feel this year is going to be a very eventful one for me but this past year provided me with so many things that I wanted to change and fix that is was challenging to really find something that spanned such a wide array of changes that needed to be made.
This past year was one of immense challenges.  This past year was one of high highs and low lows.  I experienced personal victories and triumphs.  My family also experienced difficult times and faced new challenges.  We stuck together and grew closer through it all.  I learned more about myself and I'm not the same person I was a year ago.
I also experienced the wonderful birth of my niece.  That was such a wonderful birthday gift and a true blessing to our family.  She is a perfect angel sent from heaven to warm our hearts and make us smile and I love that baby more and more each day.  This year, I also graduated from college.  This was a huge personal triumph for me and an accomplishment of which I am very proud.
I had a wonderful experience student teaching.  I met some wonderful teachers and some wonderful students.  I learned lessons that will last a lifetime.  Sometimes I succeeded and sometimes I failed.  This was one of the most terrifying yet rewarding experiences of my life.
I suppose last year's resolution was a bit premature and far-reaching.  I have not quite accomplished those goals.  I still don't know where I'm going or what I'll be doing.  I finished college but I am hardly farther along in my post-college plans than I was one year ago.  I'm working my hardest to find jobs and to make plans.  I have no idea where I'll be in a year or what I'll be doing.  Part of it scares me but part of it excites me because of the thrill of an unknown adventure.

This year's resolution is "find your way."  I'm standing at a point in my life where I have many different directions I could go.  I have many different paths from which to choose and at some point or another I will have to choose a path or one will be chosen for me based on what opportunities present themselves.
I have many different decisions to make that I will be forced to make.  This year I have no option but to move forward- non-progress is not an option.  I have high hopes, dreams and expectations for this year.  I don't know what's out there for me but I certainly can tell that good things are coming my way.

graduation.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i19EaElFH-8

risks.

It's been said, the greater the risk the greater the reward. It's also been said, the greater the risk that greater the chance for failure.
I've never been one to really stick my neck out and take risks- I prefer to play it safe. As much as I like spontaneity I also like predictability. I like to know exactly what I'm doing and I like to know the outcome before I even begin. I become uneasy and nervous when I step out blindly and don't consider and debate and speculate as to everything that could happen and the possible outcome and repercussions of my actions. I'm a planner and I plan for the future in everything I do. This has led to a life of predictability and simplicity. I always play on the safe side. I rarely venture out of safe places and really take a chance.
Sometimes we take risks and we fail miserably but sometimes we take risks and we receive a great reward for it in the end. If we never venture out of the sandbox, we will never know what lies out there for us in the great, big world around us. We must explore and discover. I've determined it's better to live life on the edge sometimes and try new things, go new places, experience new ideas. There's something to be said for predictability, patterns and routines but eventually these get old and we tire of them. Sometimes we've got to try something new and put ourselves out there. We must be willing to fail and to accept defeat.
It's time to put on my big boy undies and step out into the unknown in life. Welcome to an adventure.

reaching.

I've had a hard time deciding how to start this out or what to say. There's entirely too much to say and too many ways to say it. I'm finding it a challenge to accurately articulate my feelings and emotions. I don't know how well this will turn out but it's always worth a try. It would be an accomplishment to actually complete writing this and then publish it. Here's my best try.
As I grow older, I find life does not get any easier. Our decisions come to carry more weight and have more of an impact on the entire course of the rest of our lives. Unfortunately, I'm not always very discerning when I make my decisions and I make them too quickly. Sometimes I wonder what would happen if I could turn back time. Would I do things differently? How would life change? Where would these changes leave me now? I suppose I'll never know.
Ultimately, I'm looking for a whole lot of change. I've grown too complacent and it has caused me to do things I wouldn't otherwise do. I need new influences, experiences, places, people. Change is coming soon though but not soon enough. I'm ready for a new adventure. I'm anxious to see what life has in store for me and to see where I will go and what I will do and who I will become.
As I stand here on my 23rd birthday, I feel nostalgic but also discontent with the roads I've taken. I'm determined to make better decisions and to live beyond myself. I know I can't do this alone.
This is simply the next step in my journey- traveling companions are always welcome.

effort.

Video Blog!



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-u7ae48jVQM